jumbled thoughts
I’m writing down a few thoughts, which may be a bit jumbled in places, I don’t want to upset anyone, so apologies if I do. Today is our first Sunday back to church after Jonathans annual leave - and I don’t want to go. It’s Mothers Day, and I, along with other pastors/ministers wives across the country, am struggling on my own with our children as my husband leaves early for work! We are going out somewhere after church today (it’s a surprise!) all I know is that it involves going into London, and we won’t be home until late tonight. The past few weekends have really felt restful and relaxing, we have felt like we have had a weekend, unlike the usual half weekend we get. I struggle with church at the moment, and I know that there are alternative ways of doing it, which to me make more sense. Jonthan says it’s ok if I don’t go today, but I know questions will be asked, and it will put him in an awkward position, as I’m “expected” to be at church. Sometimes I think it’s just me, and I’m going crazy! Why do I feel like this? I don’t want to be outside of God’s will, offend Him etc. I know that the best experiences I’ve ever had with God have always been outside of the church building. Normally with a group of people who we have “real” relationship with, who we pray and worship with and God is just so present. I’m listening to a podcast by Michael Frost as I’m writing this called Unless A Seed Falls and it’s good! He is talking about how people who follow Jesus are looking for community, acceptance, generosity, tolerance and love, not religion. They don’t want life painted in pastels, but in vibrant bright primary colours. People don’t want to conform to fit in. Jesus is called to love the church, not us. Jesus was wild, untamed, in primary colours. Religion has put him into a box. We need to seek to find the untamed wild of Jesus.
As I’m listening I’m thinking maybe this is why I don’t want to go to church - the church (as we traditionally know it, as in building etc) just doesn’t seem relevant. Where is Jesus in all of his vibrant colours within those four walls? Where are the relationships, the life? I guess the fact that we sit in rows, listen to endless notices, sermons etc for two hours, and then rush off home doesn’t help. There is something more than this. Why have we lost our way so much? Why is it most of us live in a dualisitc world, where we have God over here, who comes out on Sundays, when we pray, read bible etc, and then the rest of our life over there, and with some the two will never meet. We have to see God in the everyday, He is with us everywhere, all of the time. Why do we separate ourselves and the world - we’re supposed to be in the world. Where has the untamed church gone?
But then I come back to the question - is it just me?
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Posted on March 18, 2007
Posted by lynhallewell
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nope. it’s not just you.
no its not just you, by the way do not believe that the wife of a pastor is by default the ‘pastors wife’ if you understand me.
church in a building is not church, church in a home is not church…church is church wherever and whenever, sounds to me like you have both opened a sort of Jesus type pandoras box, let him out and you’ll never get him back in!
The pastors wife thing is a strange role, it’s like there is training when you become one, which you are not aware that you are receiving from people. It’s amazing what people expect from you, and what you should be - I’ve learnt that by getting burnt many times in the past. That’s why I think pastors wives know how to put on a “everythings great face” no matter how you’re feeling etc (that’s a whole sermon series for me!!) It’s actually a role which I said I’d never conform to, now I’m trying to unconform!
I know the future is going to look very different for us, which is what keeps me going at times, but there are still bills to pay, children to care for, an immigration process happening etc. I just don’t want to miss the boat ya know?
Just to help I have included the NT verses that describe the role and calling of the Pastors wife….
?
Oops sorry, couldn’t find any, my wife is not the Pastors wife and is pursuing her calling to be a nurse, I so despise how churches impose false roles on Jesus sheep, binding up what he set free.